{"id":332,"date":"2010-01-15T16:38:26","date_gmt":"2010-01-15T16:38:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/?page_id=332"},"modified":"2010-01-15T17:36:04","modified_gmt":"2010-01-15T17:36:04","slug":"maid-marian-and-her-merry-men","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/?page_id=332","title":{"rendered":"Maid Marian and her Merry Men"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/h2>\n

Tunnel Vision (Series 4, episode 1, 1994)<\/h2>\n

It’s a transcript of The Crystal Maze<\/em> episode. Hurrah!<\/p>\n

[Sheriff of Nottingham<\/strong> (referred to as Nott<\/strong> hereafter) is being accompanied through the forest by witless guards Gary<\/strong> and Graeme<\/strong>. Nott<\/strong> is carrying a large sack on his back.]<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>… but you stick them in things, sire.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[irritatedly] Yes Gary, that’s presumably why they’re called stickers but what are they actually for<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>Well nothing sire you just collect ’em!<\/p>\n

\"\"Nott: <\/strong>Don’t be ridiculous you’d have to have the mind of a particularly thick two year old to fall for that!<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Oh yes sire, the king’s got loads, he’s already got all 26 members of the Argentinian pig-sticking [?] world-cup squad [camera cuts to a hooded figure holding a rope lurking in the bushes]…<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>AND the entire cast of that popular Australian soap Nice People Whose Huts Are Next Door to Each Other. <\/em><\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>He’s going to be really chuffed with these Great Torturers of Scunthope!<\/p>\n

Graham: <\/strong>Brilliant!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Totally mindless.<\/p>\n

[Hooded figure swings from the trees]<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>It’s not, sire!<\/p>\n

[Hooded figure knocks Graeme out].<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>No, you!<\/p>\n

Gary<\/strong>: Hobbies are fun, sire!<\/p>\n

[Hooded figure swings back and knocks Gary out. Nottingham walks on, unaware]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>I know, I’ve got loads! Lying, cheating, poking defenceless children with sharp sticks. But these! [turns round and starts walking back] You show me someone who collects stickers, and I’ll show you… boys? Boys? [Hooded figure swings back again yelling, and takes the sack of stickers Nottingham was holding]… not again…<\/p>\n

[Merry Men’s hideout, presumably]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Hi everyone, I’m back!<\/p>\n

Barrington <\/strong>[Referred to as Barr from here]: Left left left! [cut to Barrington holding a long ladder with Little Ron and Rabies standing on the top]<\/p>\n

\"\"Marian: <\/strong>I said I’m back! Guess where from.<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>Hang on, we’re doing Chronic the ‘edgehog.<\/em>Ron: <\/strong>It’s the first time we’ve got to level four, isn’t it Chronic?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rabies: <\/strong>Yeah
\nand he hasn’t been zapped by the crabs [shakes a crab] once yet!<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>Nah, but I ‘ave. [A crab drops on him]. Ooh!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Barrington,
\nnotice anything about me?<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>Yeah, your bum’s getting a bit big.
\nYou ought to diet.<\/p>\n

Rabies: <\/strong>
\nYour colour?<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>I mean my hair!<\/p>\n

Rabies: <\/strong>Oh you’re gonna dye your hair!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>No look!
\nAm I a raver or what? [Starts dancing]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Hey guys what’s the problem, earwigs in your knickers again?<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>No Robin it’s my new image – a fashion statement for the 1190s! Long hair’s for little girls, right?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>I don’t think so actually. Huh, not more stickers.<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Yep!
\nPut them on the booty pile would you.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Sure thing.<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>That’s it, game over my turn!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Ridiculous game.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Yeah,
\npathetic.<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>What’s for tea?<\/p>\n

\"\"Robin: <\/strong>Well I’m glad you asked that. Now, in order to get to the first level – which is the tea level – you have to solve this really hard riddle.<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>[annoyed] Oh Robin!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>And Barrington
\nand Ron will be the “Enchanted Guardians of the Tea Tray” OK?<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>The what?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>
\nIt’s Dungeons and Dragons. You’ll love it. If you want your tea, you’ll have to ask the guardians three questions but one of them always tells the truth and one always lies, and you don’t know which is which. OK? You’ve got three hours… from now [upends a large sand timer].<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>OK… first question: Barrington, will you pass me that box?<\/p>\n

Barrington: <\/strong>Sure. [He picks up the pizza box and gives it to Marian. Marian opens it, a pizza is inside.]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Pizza?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>You haven’t really got the hang of this, have you?<\/p>\n

[Int. King John’s Castle]<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>[slams table] …AGAIN?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>‘Fraid so my lord.<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>Then you’ll just have to go back to Scunthorpe and get some more, WON’T YOU?<\/p>\n

Guy of Gisbourne<\/strong> [Guy hereafter]: I’m bored!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[talking to his guards] If only we could find another way to get there!<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>What about an enourmous flyover?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>No, you’d never find a fly big enough!<\/p>\n

\"\"Guy: <\/strong>I’m bored I’m bored I’M BORED I’M BORED I’M BORRREED!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[irritatedly] Something the matter, Guy?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>I think he’s bored sire.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>I might as well just dig a big hole and bury myself.<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>There’s a shovel in the toolshed!<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>[indeterminable whinging]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Wait a minute! What did Guy just say?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>I think it was [does impression of indeterminable whinging].<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>No before that!<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>Some rubbish about digging a hole.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>That’s it!
\nParty on my lord! We’ll dig a hole! We are going to build the world’s first cross-forest tunnel!<\/p>\n

[Int. somewhere else in the castle. Rose is looking at herself in the mirror. Guy walks in.]<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Wotcha’ doing, Rose?<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Nothing.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>You’re squeezing your spots, aren’t you?<\/p>\n

\"\"Rose: <\/strong>No I haven’t got any spots.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>You’re Spottiest Spot the Spotty Puppy!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Look! I’ve just got one…<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>You’re spottier
\nthan a million spot the ball competitions!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>It’s truth. I could do with a facial.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>
\nYou’re so spotty we could play ‘join the spots on your face’…<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Nobody’s interested, Guy. [Looks down at a pamphlet]<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Spotty! Spotty Botty! Big Fat Yellow Spotty on Your Nosey-Wosey!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>[reading] Worksop Health Farm. Get rid of those unsightly blemishes with our exclusive mud treatment. Only… they must think we’re made of money!<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Nobody takes any notice of me! They’d be really sad if a big bad robber with horrid breath came over and kidnapped me, wouldn’t they? They’d miss me then and have to pay thousands and thousands of pounds to get me back and it would serve them right!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>[lightbulb] Yes it would, wouldn’t it Guy. Shall we teach them a little lesson?<\/p>\n

[Ext. Worksop].<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>People of Worksop, I bring glad tidings! Your village has been chosen as the entrance to a wonderful new tunnel.<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>Ooh!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>From now on, you will be able to go on fantastic holidays to exotic faraway places!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>OOH!<\/p>\n

\"\"Nott: <\/strong>Or off on shopping sprees, to buy disgusting looking sausages, and cheeses that smell like a skunk’s armpit!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>OOOOOH!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[to Graham] It’s going rather well, isn’t it?<\/em> [to Villagers] It will be a tunnel… to prosperity!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>Hooray!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>
\n… to opportunity!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>Hooray!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>
\nTo Scunthorpe!<\/p>\n

[Villagers prepare to shout hooray but stop suddenly]<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>… where?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Scunthorpe!<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>‘Ang on. So all the Scunthorpians
\nwill be coming over ‘ere, will they?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>… yes.<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>
\nNo!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>No! No!<\/p>\n

Gladys: <\/strong>They stink of garlic!<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>And eat snails!<\/p>\n

Gladys: <\/strong>And slugs!<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>And then there aren’t any left for us!<\/p>\n

Gladys: <\/strong>And they’ve got funny little mouths like this [does an impersonation].<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>And piggy little eyes like this [does an impersonation].<\/p>\n

Gladys: <\/strong>And they’ve got two heads!<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>No tunnel here!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>NO TUNNEL ‘ERE! NO TUNNER ‘ERE!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[to guards] I’ll say one thing for the English, they love foreigners don’t they.<\/p>\n

[Ext. Rose writing a letter on a treestump]<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>…Or you will never see him again… signed… Maid Marian.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>[tied to a tree] This is a good game isn’t it!<\/p>\n

Rose:<\/strong> It’s not a game, Scab Brain.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>They’ll have to pay loads of money won’t they and they’ll be really sorry and love me forever and ever!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Oh shut up Guy!<\/p>\n

Guy:<\/strong> So what’s next?<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>A gag I think.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>OK. There’s this teddy in the bath with nothing on…<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>[puts gag in mouth] SHUT IT! Now, I won’t be long. You be a good boy. And don’t run off, will you?<\/p>\n

[Ext. Outlaw’s hideout]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>I mean it was a practical decision. My hair used to get twisted round the flights of my arrows, see? A couple more ambushes and I’d have been as bald as a coot on this side. Robin you’re not listening are you?<\/p>\n

\"\"Robin: <\/strong>[dressed in black and a hat, putting on a voice]
\nI know not this Robin of whom you speaketh of… I am the Gamesmaster!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>What, one of those sadists who make you run round the playing fields ten times because you forgot your PE kit?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Not that sort of games master. [puts on voice] I am The Gamesmaster!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Ooh blimey!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>
\nThis is Aragard the Fair [Little Ron comes out from under a flap], Prince of Justice.<\/p>\n

Ron: <\/strong>How do you do, warrior
\nmaiden?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>This is
\nBazeroid the Crucial, Happenin’ Dude of the Dark [Barrington comes out].<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>
\nHi!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>And finally Grungesplatter, the all-seeing, the all-knowing, the all-wise. [Rabies comes out]<\/p>\n

\"\"Rabies: <\/strong>Who am I again?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>We’ve prepared a test for thee, Damsel, that will tax thee to the limits of thy ingenuity. Two sacks – one is full of rocks and is as heavy as lead the other is full of feathers and is as light as… as a feather actually. Now, without touching the sacks can you tell me which is which?<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Aragard? Pick up that sack would you? [Ron strains to pick it up] Now, hit Robin over the head with it. [Ron swings it at Robin and knocks him over] That’s the one with the rocks in! See you later!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>You have to spoil everything, don’t you?<\/p>\n

[Ext. Worksop]<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Look at this, sire! [Holds up a broken pick]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Good Lord, how did that happen?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>
\nWell it’s the ground it’s harder than a GCSE maths paper written back-to-front in Japanese. We’ll never dig a tunnel here sire.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>
\nWe’ve got to, think of the money! The toll charges, the profits from the service stations, the souviniers… I’ve already laid out 150 quid on this lot look! Tunnel pencils, Tunnel pencil sharpeners, novelty elephants with ‘I’ve done a ton in the tunnel’ embroidered on their trunks…<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>But it will take a million years, sire!<\/p>\n

[A note is suddenly arrowed to a nearby tree trunk]<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>Post’s come sire.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Oh, it gets later every day doesn’t it, give it here. Dear Sheriff I’ve kidnapped Guy blah blah blah, a thousand gold pieces or you’ll never see him again, signed Maid Marian. Hah! Serves him right (screws up note and chucks it behind him) Listen! You know I believe in calling a spade a spade don’t I?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>Yes sire.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[handing him spade] Well get digging or I’ll pin your ears to that tree. [A villager puts up a poster saying “We don’t DIG the tunnel” in the 1970s stylee] Push OFF.<\/p>\n

[Ext. Marian in the woods]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>[annoyed] …dungeons and dragons. Honestly, about as exciting as a game of charades with your deaf auntie.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>[moans]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>
\nGuy! What are you doing here? [Ungags him]<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>
\nIt’s a funny game! Rose is kidnapping me so she can get lots of money and have a mudpack and have all her little wiggly hairs pulled out.<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Is she now.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Yes! And the really funny thing is, is that she’s pretending she’s you who is doing the kidnapping!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Well! In that case I better had, hadn’t I?
\nCome on! [starts untieing Guy when an arrow zooms by and sticks in a tree just missing Marian] Argh!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Don’t move a muscle, sonny.
\nOh it’s you Marian! I thought it was a fat schoolboy with a bad haircut.<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Don’t be so childish Rose.
\nUm, it is Rose isn’t it? Only I can’t quite tell because of all of the blackheads!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Don’t you dare! (fires off an arrow)<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>(screams) Don’t do that!<\/p>\n

[It’s time for the musical number. Cut to Barrington dancing in a field]<\/p>\n

Barrington: <\/strong>Now I’ve got a new dance that you all can do it’s a real cool notion…<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>It’s not the Watusi (?) or the Boogaloo
\nor the Locomotion… [Rose fires a shot at Marian, Marian screams]<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>You jump in the air, yes you jump in the air then you get in a huddle…<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>Then you sit right down…<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>’cause you’re tied right up… [shot of Marian and Guy sitting back to back with Rose tying them up]<\/p>\n

\"\"Together: <\/strong>it’s called the Double Trouble! Do the Double Trouble…<\/p>\n

Unseen backing singers: <\/strong>Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>it’s called the Double Trouble! Do the Double Trouble…<\/p>\n

Unseen backing singers: <\/strong>Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>Get down! Get in a huddle! Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

Unseen backing singers: <\/strong>Bop-she-wop!<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>And that’s just
\na part, [can’t make out the next line]…<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>It will never e-e-end.<\/p>\n

Unseen backing singers: <\/strong>Never end! [Marian escapes the rope]<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>’cause if you get tired or a little wired you can teach your friends! [Marian runs to a nearby bow and arrow and points it at Rose]<\/p>\n

\"\"UBS: <\/strong>Teach your friends!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>You just jump in the air,<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>Jump in the air… you get in a huddle [Marian ties Guy and Rose up, Guy escapes]… You sit right down, you’re tied right up it’s called the Double Trouble.<\/p>\n

Everyone: <\/strong>You jump in the air, jump in the air and you get in a huddle, get down get down get down! Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

UBS: <\/strong>Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

Together: <\/strong>Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

UBS: <\/strong>Do the Double Trouble! [Guy ties up Marian and Rose]<\/p>\n

Everyone: <\/strong>Get down get down get down! Do the Double Trouble!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Ooh, serves you right!<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Serves YOU right!<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Serves you both right!
\nThis is fun isn’t it! Bye! [Guy runs off].<\/p>\n

[Int. King John’s Castle]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>So exactly how deep did you actually get?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>
\nErrr… quater of an inch, sire.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>
\nMmm… we should be in Scunthorpe by July… 1996.<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Nah, they won’t need tunnels in 1996
\nsire. They’ll have invented these huge flying horses and carts that’ll get you from Scunthorpe to Gatwick in under half an hour!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Don’t be ridiculous why would people want to go to Gatwick, to watch the queues on the M25? Well that’s it then, no tunnel.<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>Whaddyamean “no tunnel”?
\nOf course there’s going to be a tunnel, I sent out all the invitations. This afternoon my sister Queen Eleanore is digging the first ceremonial sod and make sure Guy looks as if he’s having a good time, if his mother’s coming.<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>I wonder how Guy is?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>
\nOh stupid… Irritating…<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>
\n…kidnapped.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Yes, kidnapped…<\/p>\n

Everyone: <\/strong>AAAARRRRGGH!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Quick! We’ve got three hours to find him otherwise we’ll all be looking for a career move.<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>I wouldn’t want to move to Korea!
\nI’d miss my Mum!<\/p>\n

[Ext. Robin, Rabies and Little Ron outside a maze of huts)<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>[still dressed as The Gamesmater and still doing the voice] She’ll never do this in a million years! The Maze of Mystery, a catacomb of tunnels and tests and in each room a fabulous prize!<\/p>\n

Rabies: <\/strong>I didn’t know we had any fabulous prizes.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Yay oh Grungesplatter. See here, the Pizza Portion of Wisdom.<\/p>\n

Ron: <\/strong>Eugh, it’s got something disgusting on it.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Nay Aragard! This be the Slug of Immortality! And lo! Here! The Spaghetti Hoop Of Being Able To Talk Lots Of Foreign Languages With A Really Good Accent. Here! Take these gifts, and proceed to your rooms, I the Gamesmaster will guard the door.<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>Whassin there then [motioning at a room]?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>See! The ultimate prize, the Used Tissue of Invisibility which will be giveneth to the valiant victor by the Giver of Gifts…<\/p>\n

Ron: <\/strong>Whose gonna be that then?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>[dropping voice] Ah, problem.
\nWe’ve… we’ve run out of people haven’t we?<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Oh goody woody as a scrumptious puddy!
\nDungeons and Dragons! Can I play?<\/p>\n

[Ext. Worksop]<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>And these two ‘eaded Scunthorpians will come swarming through this tunnel like… like big swarmy things! Do we want that?<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>[holding up signs] NO!<\/p>\n

\"\"Snooker: <\/strong>They’ll come over ‘ere, eating our mud, marrying our chickens [Villager holding a chicken looks protective of it. Cut to Marian and Rose, still tied back to back trying to skip down the road to the village]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>As soon as I get out of this rope Scargill I’ll… I’ll…<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>
\nYou’ll what?<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Oh I don’t know, but it will make waxing your legs seem like a picnic!<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>We few! We muddy few!
\nWe band of peasants! People of Worksop!<\/p>\n

[Villager screams and points off screen]<\/p>\n

Gladys: <\/strong>
\nTwo heads! [Rose and Marian skip into village]<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>Argh! There’s one of ’em ‘ere already! The smelly Scunthorpian! Quickly! To your positions!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Excuse me, would somebody…<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>Noooow!<\/p>\n

[Villagers yell and throw mud at Marian and Rose]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>[yelling] STOP IT’S ME, MARIAN! [Mudslinging stops]<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>… Cor… you look rough…<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Yeah, I wonder why.
\nNow untie me please I’d like to go home.<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>And what about me?<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>
\nSorry?<\/p>\n

Rose: <\/strong>Well! Look at me!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Oh yeah! I’m so pleased you got tyour mudpack after all didn’t you, and it didn’t cost you a thing.<\/p>\n

[Ext. Nottingham and guards in woods]<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>I hope he turns up soon sire, I don’t want to miss the ceremony.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>If he doesn’t you’ll soon be missing both arms, both legs and several important internal organs.<\/p>\n

\"\"Robin: <\/strong>[a distance away off camera] Now all we all in position?<\/p>\n

The Merry Men: <\/strong>Yes O Gamesmaster!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>And the Giver of Gifts?<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Ready as a teddy, Gamesmaster!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>I’d recognise that whine anywhere – come on! [cut to Robin in Gamesmaster garb standing outside the maze]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Stop nibbling that pizza!
\n[Nottingham and guards run in]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>OK Hood… where’s Guy of Gisbourne?<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Sheriff! Sheriff!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>
\nI thought as much! Go get him boys! [guards run forward, swords drawn]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>SO! You would try your luck in the Maze of Mystery?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Er, if you like!<\/p>\n

[Robin takes off Gamesmaster garb. He’s now got a bald head and a leopard-print jacket, like Richard O Brien in The Crystal Maze]<\/em>Robin: <\/strong>So, what do you reckon? Long hair’s for little girls, right? [plays harmonica]. OK! Let’s play some games!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Yea-ah!<\/p>\n

\"\"Graeme: <\/strong>Brilliant! [Crystal Maze<\/em>-esque music starts up in the background, everyone runs into the maze]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>OK, what sort of game: physical, mental, skill, mystery?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>Have you got table tennis?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Mystery, right, who’s going in?<\/p>\n

Both guards: <\/strong>Er…<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[exasperated] They are… [pushed them forward]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>OK you’ve got two minutes, two minutes from the moment I shut the door. In you go!<\/p>\n

[There’s a balancing pole and a mud pit].<\/p>\n

Guards: <\/strong>Erm, erm…<\/p>\n

\"\"Graeme: <\/strong>Ah, there’s a beam leading to slug with a big red arrow pointing at it… what do we have to do!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Give me STRENGTH.<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>How do we get across? What are we supposed to do?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Look it’s obvious! You get on the plank and you grab the slug [Robin holds up the harmonica to camera] although Heaven knows why.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Tick tock tick tock [plays harmonica, looks at camera].<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Do you mind not doing that please?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>I hope there’s no pirahna fish in ‘ere, or octopusses.<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>Nearly there, sire!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Hurry up!<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>What? Can’t hear you sheriff!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>GRAB THE FLIPPING SLUG! I can’t believe I’m saying these things.<\/p>\n

\"\"Graeme: <\/strong>Made it!
\n[Grabs slug] Got it! It’s quite sweet really!<\/p>\n

Rabies: <\/strong>WELL DONE! [Guards fall off into mud pit]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Dear dear, they’ve dropped it!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Come out!
\nGet out, get out!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>On! On!
\nRound here, round we go! Don’t dawdle! Right chaps, this is a skill game, two minutes, in you go!<\/p>\n

[In the room is a large jugsaw puzzle. It is of a bull.The guards try putting it together.]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>What is it? Come on, WHAT IS IT?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Five seconds…<\/p>\n

Nott:<\/strong> Hurry up! [Guards continue to assemble the puzzle]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Four… three… two… one…<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>I’ve got it!<\/p>\n

\"\"Nott: <\/strong>Well done Gary!<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>It’s a jigsaw puzzle isn’t it?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>I KNOW IT’S A JIGSAW PUZZLE GARY, What of?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>A vase of flowers?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[Sigh]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Not close enough I’m afraid! Bazaroid! [Barrington empties a large vat of red gunge over the guards. They come out of the room. Robin plays harmonica] Never mind! Onward and upwards as dear old Mummy used to say!<\/p>\n

[Next room, lots of levers. Ron is also standing there]<\/p>\n

Guards: <\/strong>Er… er!<\/p>\n

\"\"Nott: <\/strong>Pull the lever!
\n[Guards pull levers, each one releasing a different colour gunge over them, the third and final one releasing a ton of feathers].<\/p>\n

Ron: <\/strong>Wrong lever! [Stands aside to reveal a hidden lever]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>On! On!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>On! On!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Well! So far you’ve won no prizes but all could change in this final room… [Robin opens door, Guy is sitting at the far end].<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>Coo-ee everybody!<\/p>\n

[Shot cuts to an overhead, the floor is covered in criss-crossing wires. Overhead, a vat full of jelly]<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Right you’ve got two minutes from the second I close the door.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Hang on, I’ll play this game.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Right, this is what you have to do…<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>No THIS [grabs Robin] is what I have to do.
\nNow you get under that plate and hold onto it because if I trip over any of these ropes and end up with half a ton of strawberry jelly on my head then Robin O’ Hood will wind up as a doner kebab OK?<\/p>\n

\"\"Guy: <\/strong>Hello Sheriff, I am the Giver of Gifts.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>And I am the giver of 60 lashes with the bottom spanking machine
\nso put that rubbish down and let’s get out of here quick.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>It’s not rubbish! It’s the Used Tissue of Invisibility!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Don’t lie, it’s a snot rag. Come on!<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>That was really sneaky!<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>That’s politicians, man.<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>What’s all this? Are you mad?<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>No. We built this fab series of mystic rooms, see!<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Well you can just unbuild them. Honestly, you’re like little kids. [Walks into still trapped room]. Come on, you can start in here.<\/p>\n

Robin: <\/strong>Hang on Marian!<\/p>\n

Barr: <\/strong>Yeah be careful in there because… [large splash]<\/p>\n

Marian: <\/strong>Ugh… [Marian walks out covered in pink jelly[<\/p>\n

Rabies: <\/strong>Hello Marian, had your hair done again?<\/p>\n

[Ext. Some woods. Nottingham, Guy and Guards]<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Stop dawdling, your mother will be waiting.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>[excitedly] Mummy’s here! Hooray I’m going home!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Hang on, give me your tissue. I’ve still got a spot of custard on my codpiece.<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>It’s not just a tissue!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Yeah yeah, it’s the Used Tissue of Invisibility I know.<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>That’s so typical that is. We run around getting covered in gunk and feathers and HE gets the only tissue.<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>What’s that?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>[holds up “Guards are people too” sign] It’s my notice. I’m handing it in.<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>Gary… that’s a bit drastic.
\nWhy don’t we send him to Coventry instead?<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Ahhh, right! Down the A462 via Letchworth
\nand Nuneaton you mean?<\/p>\n

Graeme: <\/strong>No no no no no. Ignore him. Pretend he doesn’t exist he’ll really hate that.<\/p>\n

Gary: <\/strong>Right. [chucks away sign] You’re on.<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Honestly, that boy’s about as bright as a two watt bulb in a power cut. Hah, do you get it, that means he’s not very bright at all, see. [Guards walk straight past] Hello? Am I not here? Have I ceased to exist? Am I completely invisible? [Stares at rag] Haragh! It works! They can’t see me! They can’t hear me! It flipping works!<\/p>\n

[Ext. Worksop. Villagers protesting]<\/p>\n

\"\"Snooker: <\/strong>Tunnel tunnel tunnel!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>Out out out!<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>Tunnel tunnel tunnel!<\/p>\n

Villagers: <\/strong>Out out out!<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>Alright alright you win! I’ll hold an inquiry.<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>Will you your majesty?<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>Yes! I’ll ask everyone in Worksop if they want a tunnel and if they say no, I’ll chop their heads off.<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>Hmm! Can’t say fairer than that!<\/p>\n

Gladys: <\/strong>You carry on your majesty.<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>
\nThank you. I’ll hand you over to my sister, the beautiful Queen Eleanor, who will now lift the first sod.<\/p>\n

Queen Eleanor: <\/strong>I’m not lifting anything until I’ve seen my dear little boy!<\/p>\n

Guy:<\/strong> Here I am mummy!
\nI’ve been having a lovely time! I’m so excited my armpits are all pongy!<\/p>\n

Queen Eleanor:<\/strong> Ooh! Isn’t he sweet!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Yes, as sweet as a skunk curry. Sorry we’re late Pigface but your stupid son got kidnapped [blows raspberry, Queen is shocked, look of amusement on guards faces, shock on King John]. It’s alright! She can’t see me, I’m totally invisible. See! I have The Used Tissue of Invisibility.<\/p>\n

Snooker: <\/strong>See! He has The Used Tissue of Invisibility!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>[wanders over to King John] So I can say what I like, can’t I you jug eared, half witted moron with the breath of a dead goat and a bottom the size of North Yorkshire!<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>Can you!?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Yes! By the way, there isn’t going to be any stupid tunnel.<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>ISN’T THERE?<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Nope! Because the ground’s even thicker than you are, peanut brain! [slaps John]<\/p>\n

Guy: <\/strong>This is funny isn’t it Sheriff!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>Yup! You see nobody can see anything, and no-one can hear…<\/p>\n

King John: <\/strong>NOTTINGHAM!<\/p>\n

Nott: <\/strong>… ah.<\/p>\n

\"\"The End<\/strong><\/p>\n

Marian!<\/em><\/p>\n

Why don’t you carry on with what you’re doing,
\n‘Cos there’s always trouble brewing,
\nYou’ve got to find a way to make a better day,
\nOh, Marian!<\/p>\n

Why don’t you carry on with your merry men
\nAnd make heroes out of each of them,
\nYou’ve got to find a place to make a better space<\/p>\n

Oh Marian,
\nOh Marian!<\/p>\n

Cast:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ye Goodies:
\n<\/em>Marian: Kate Lonergan
\nRobin: Wayne Morris
\nBarrington: Danny John-Jules
\nRabies: Howard Lew Lewis
\nLittle Ron: Mike Edmonds<\/p>\n

Ye Baddies:
\n<\/em>King John: Forbes Collins
\nThe Sheriff: Tony Robinson
\nGary: Mark Billingham
\nGraeme: David Lloyd
\nGuy of Gisborne: <\/em>Ramsay Gilderdale
\nRotten Rose: Siobhan Fogarty
\nGladys: <\/em>Hilary Mason
\nSnooker: <\/em>Robin Chandler<\/p>\n

Written by: <\/em>Tony Robinson, Mark Billingham and David Lloyd<\/p>\n

This article was originally written in 2005. The following comments were left in the original comment box:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Billy:<\/strong><\/span>
\nI’ve actually got the original script of this episode, having won it on eBay earlier this year.<\/span><\/p>\n

Brig Bother:<\/span>
\n<\/strong>Nicely done! If there are any interesting differences, please do tell.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Gizensha:<\/strong><\/span>
\nOh, and Season 1 is coming out on dvd in March, and Season 2 has been earmarked for July according to http:\/\/www.reddwarf.co.uk\/index.cfm?frameset=deck01\/deck_fs.html&page=eureka_carry_on.html<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Katie Fraser:<\/strong><\/span>
\nGreat transcript of the episode, can’t wait to see it when it comes out on DVD later. Did anyone notice though how they have a Hertfordshire town mentioned in the script? Wow! Never knew they knew the town of Letchworth like me, as I used to know that town very well!<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tunnel Vision (Series 4, episode 1, 1994) It’s a transcript of The Crystal Maze episode. Hurrah! [Sheriff of Nottingham (referred to as Nott hereafter) is being accompanied through the forest by witless guards Gary and Graeme. Nott is carrying a large sack on his back.] Gary: … but you stick them in things, sire. Nott:\u2026 Read More: Maid Marian and her Merry Men »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":25,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-332","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/PLcmt-5m","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/332","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=332"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/332\/revisions"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/25"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bothersbar.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=332"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}