Edit: And it’s back! That was an easy campaign. The point still stands though.

Gang, there comes a point around the age of thirty where the prospect of a trip to the garden centre or the local Homebase is actually quite appealing. I suspect most of my audience haven’t reached this point yet – but you will – and it might pleasantly surprise you. And then you will also understand why property shows are so popular.

Since moving back to help look after my mobility impaired mother last year, we’ve made a habit of putting things on over dinner – sometimes it’s the big Saturday night quizzes on Sunday evening. Sometimes it’s some stand-up comedy. Most of the time it’s property and renovation shows like Escape to the Country, or more recently Phil and Kirstie’s ouevre and The Great House Giveaway (she’s well into Love Island as well but I just let her get on with that). We recently finished watching the quite fun if a bit flawed Instant Hotel on Netflix, originally on Australia’s Channel 7, basically Come Stay At My Air B’n’B with Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen. Privately I’d been watching Aussie Survivor and Amazon had also recommended The Block, so as it was The Sort Of Thing We Quite Enjoy we thought we’d try it out. We thought we’d start with the latest series they’ve got (2018’s one, based on The Gatwick hotel), then if we like it we can go back and watch older ones.

You might not know The Block – there was one series in the UK with Simon Cowell’s brother as a judge which nobody remembers but it’s one of Australia’s most popular and long running shows. In it, four/five couples each get (I think the term is) a shithole to renovate and a budget and are charged with doing one room a week. They have to do all the design themselves, but can and do get tradies in to do the labouring as far as their budget allows. Each week the judges judge the presented room, and the couple with the room deemed the best win a cash bonus. At the end of the series, all the houses are auctioned off – anything it makes past reserve they get to keep, but whichever sells for the most money gets a big bonus on top. There are twists and turns, but that’s basically it.

We do like it! Like quite a lot of Aussie reality, there’s a bit too much of it – it looks like four episodes a week? – much of it filled with reminders of previous storylines. But we like (most of) the contestants. We like what they do to the rooms. We like host Scott Cam’s amusingly blunt commentary. We like the drama. We like the camaraderie. Personally, I think the soundtrack is a bit of a banger. I am amused by the amount of product placement.

So imagine getting ready to watch another episode tonight only to discover that whoops! Amazon’s rights seem to have lapsed and the video is currently unavailable.

Now this is a thing that happens, and I have no doubt it will return eventually much like Aussie Survivor did. But at least Netflix have the politeness to say at the beginning of the vid, if you’re watching a series, that it’s leaving the service on a date so you can choose to binge watch it or decide if your energies are better directed elsewhere. We’re invested now, but if we had known we wouldn’t have nearly enough time to finish we’d have got into something else instead. Frustrating.

You know the drill by now, I’m hoping to lock down a panel by next Thursday. Remember you will need a microphone and Discord. Get in touch if you’re interested – leaving a comment on here or privately messaging me variously is the best way, or there’s a chance I’ll forget you applied.

This sort of came up on the Discord this week, and as somebody who has been watching the French show for the best part of thirty years I would of course be lying if I suggested I had never considered “what about…?” and in fact recently had some ideas playing in my head. So here’s basically an extended version of things I wrote, for better or worse:

• My personal feeling is that doing it closer to the French presentational style opens up the possibility space – I’ve never much liked the idea that it’s just a jumped up outward bound centre even if that’s just what it exactly is really, but there are ways to make it ‘Brit-relatable’. Not really a slam on how we’ve done it before, I think Leslie Grantham becoming increasingly panto was fun. I would work on the assumption that with time constraints Judgement and the Council get ditched, although I’d be open to using elements of them in future series when the French have had a bit of a lean year in terms of new games. Realistically you’re looking at a 90m max show, which is about 65-70m with adverts but I think you could do a decent show with less.
• If Yann Le Gac’s English is good enough, would be perfectly happy for him to reprise his Pere Fouras role. But if we wanted to go down a different route, I’d be well up for a retired Pirate Queen, pitched somewhere between one of the captains from Swashbuckle and Cruella DeVille.
• Host could be anyone provided they’re a) funny and b) a bit world-weary. “Hello and welcome to my little holiday home off the coast of France, which I get to live rent free provided that once a week I chaperone a team of treasure hunters who insist on invading, which I have to say is sometimes REALLY badly timed and annoying.”
• All other Bits of Business – Willy Rovelli, Cyril Gossbo – to be done by Dave Benson-Phillips. This is non-negotiable.
• Format: drop the clock, it’s just a narrative device anyway. Three ’rounds’ of challenges. First two rounds are three “epreuves” and an adventure, third round two cells, two adventures, because adventures. Having the ’rounds’ in advance means P-M can still do the occasional bit of business in delivering them to the host, but it’s not after every game. If the team are doing well PF can find someway to blame/shout at PM.
• Winning earns a key, winning an adventure earns TWO keys. Buying out a prisoner costs one key. One of the adventures must be a riddle – there is no “standard” riddle these days, they all have a hint of danger attached.
• Right, the fun bit – there are 16 keys up for grabs. The first five are used to open the Treasure Room. The team must decide how they want to spend their other ones, either on time (base of 2m, each key spent adding 20secs), or at the Clue Cabinet. They can sacrifice people for keys to unlock more clues, but once they’ve set the clock that’s it.

Also I’ve been desperate to redesign the clue boxes for years and years. Combination locks are so *rubbish* for TV. So here’s a very simple pencil drawing of an idea I’ve been playing with:

Features!

• Six buttons arranged on the front. Push the right one – box opens! Push the wrong one – clue explodes!
• Designed to be eliminatory (“don’t press ‘blue tiger’!” for Tete Cherceuse, for example), or requiring two halves to make a whole (“red” “snake”), or just plain old ‘press that one’!
• Light on top starts flashing at twenty seconds remaining, giving team chance of quick discussion re: let them finish vs just take a guess.
• They might luck out! This is a feature not a bug.

Phew! Well I’m glad I’ve finally got that out of paper even if I’ll look back on it in a few years and wonder what the hell I was thinking that for.

Basically, it sounds like Mike Richards (who also happens to be Jeopardy‘s EP) is The Chosen One. ETA: Although worth pointing out that “advanced negotiatons” doesn’t yet mean “has the job”.

Mike Richards apparently getting the Jeopardy gig is roughly culturally equivalent to Dermot o’ Leary hosting Mastermind. Possibly worth noting that Alex Trebek hosted a load of lowbrow stuff before and in addition to working on J.

I’ve always felt Mike a smart guy, as a producer pretty good at understanding modern audiences even if he probably wouldn’t bleed gameshow if you cut him with a knife.

I’m sure he’ll do fine, but it’s quite a boring, safe choice for 2021 really. Maybe that’s what it needs, I don’t know, it gets by largely on inertia these days.

Originally tweeted by Brig Bother (@BothersBar) on August 5, 2021.

This feels like the safest choice but I can see why the safest choice isn’t going to thrill anyone. Tricky.

— Luke Sweeney (@lukeisverytired) August 5, 2021

I doubt there would be this much ire if it wasn't for the fact he's so heavily involved in the selection process, and that they showed us several preferable guest hosts in action

— Alex McMillan (@UndeniablyAlex) August 5, 2021

Hard to say honestly, certainly the socials in general aren't happy!

— Alex McMillan (@UndeniablyAlex) August 5, 2021

QUALITY TWITTER ANALYSIS from people with no skin in the game. Hopefully someone will try Jeopardy in the UK again just to get it out of their system. It will fail. See also: Raid the Cage.

Eyes down, look in:

• S2 of smash hit Lightning will drop the physical challenge round. I know, I’m devastated too.

When they did the 1995 Krypton Factor revamp, producers wanted to get rid of the assault course. Gordon Burns apparently told them that this was a stupid idea, the assault course WAS The Krypton Factor and of course he was right, and he won the argument (although they moved it to the beginning of the show). Now I’m not saying Lightning is the new The Krypton Factor – one lasted almost two decades, the other one is lucky to last two series, but I feel this story tells us something, although I’m not sure I quite know what to be honest.

• 1% Club was an absolute mess of a production – from leaving people standing outside in direct sunlight for an hour and a half to refusing to let people go to the bathroom after eight hours. There were so so many issues.

Not gonna lie, we love a production car crash.

• Supermarket Sweep Series 3 is going to return, but the market is getting another slight makeover.

I’m not sure about the veracity of this, but my local Co-op is currently shut for a makeover. Coincidence? You decide.

• I’m a Celeb Aftersun (or whatever it’s called) is coming back as an ITV Hub exclusive. It is going to be hosted by Martin and Roman Kemp.
• [Redacted Fortune Favours the Brave stuff at producer’s request, but it doesn’t sound all that promising.]

• Rumours that there’s going to be some sort of Chaser exchange trip, with three Australian Chasers coming to the UK to film some UK shows, three American Chasers going to Australia, and three British Chasers going to the US.

I reckon the rumours have been made up by the writer. I can see the UK and Australian Chasers doing an exchange with each other, the idea that an American audience would give a toss about a couple of limeys doesn’t really seem feasible – The Beast is an anomaly in that he’s massive and can convincingly(ish) pull off the wrestler attitude in a way I can’t quite see with Jenny Ryan, as much as I love her work.

• People of the Internet are continuing to do detective work on future Taskmaster casts based on their social media profiles, with the latest theories including Rhys James, Harriet Kemsley, and Chris Addison.

Wooh.

• Winning Combination series 2 has had a slight format change. Instead of buzz in and answer a question correctly, then pick 2 from a grid of 6, it’s now pick 2 from a board of 9 (revealed one at a time).
• I’ve been told there’s a new Egghead (I don’t think that’s news. Jeremy Vine hinted at that in a Radio Times piece recently). I’m sorry I don’t know who it is. But someone at the Bar is bound to know.
• Richard Osman’s House of Games returns in September with another 106 shows. (20 Weeks on BBC2, 6 episodes for BBC1, including XMAS special) Champions of Champions specials returning featuring Daily Winners as well as weekly winners. Upcoming new Guests for regular House of Games feature Sarah Millican, Nabil Abdul Rashid, Philippa Perry, Luke Kempner, Sean Fletcher, Kimberley Wyatt, Louise Minchin, Chris Washington, Sanjeev Kohli, Tiff Stevenson, Jo Brand, Roger Black, Fern Brady, Martin Lewis, Kemah Bob, Gareth Thomas, Olga Koch, Toby Tarrant, Matthew Pinsent, Suzi Perry, Thaniya Moore, Ingrid Oliver, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, Lucy Beaumont, Mike Wozniak and Dennis Taylor. House of Games Night guests: 1 group featuring Steph McGovern, Ed Balls, Ben Miller and Janette Manrara. Other group features Dara O’Briain with 3 other unknown guests.

That seems factual enough.

• I have nothing except have you noticed how on All4 you can’t watch any series of The Jump, however you can for some reason watch the only series of its unwatched E4 spin-off series The Jump: On The Piste.

A casualty of its own success.

And what better way to celebrate than a few minutes of what must surely be Yorkshire Television’s finest hour, Wife of the Week with Christopher Biggins?